Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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