i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
