Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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