You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
