there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
