mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
