oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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