Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
