i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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