nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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