i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
