I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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