ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
