Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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