So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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