Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
