if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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