I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
