you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
