White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have post one night stand depression
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
