I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
