so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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