We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize