my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
