Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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