he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
