So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
