yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
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I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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