That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
