I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
