I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
