Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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