I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
