I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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