He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
