so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
