a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Houston, we have a blender
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
