I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She is in my trunk
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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