Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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