I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
They are going to name an STD after you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
