Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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