i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
