I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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