are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
