and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
