if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he fucked my hip out of place.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
