I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
