I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
