i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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