I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
