Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
