the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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