There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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