He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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