Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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